The Dangers of Toxic Positivity

While positivity can be a powerful tool for resilience and mental wellbeing, its toxic counterpart can do more harm than good.

“Misery loves company”

– Christopher Marlow

Sometimes I want to be left alone. As a younger man, just occasionally, I’d stumble into work with a thumping hangover. I worked in a printer’s shop with just one other guy. A lovely chap. Deeply religious, always smiling, teetotal as a nun in a yoga studio.

He was always upbeat, smiling, chirpy, chipper, and sunny. He loved jokes – as long as they were wholesome (not mordant and dark, as mine sometimes were!). His brain didn’t compute negatives.

Anyway, to be frank, on my infrequent young-man-hangover workdays, I’d find his incessant upbeat exuberance painful.

I feel bad writing this, as he was so nice and, of course, how could someone who never drank a drop understand why his coworker (beset with other life problems too) didn’t always feel like Jiminy Cricket at a Mormon wedding.

And yet…

Prefer to watch instead?

The world needs positivity

Having seemingly bad-mouthed brightasabuttonism, I’ve got to say I do love positive people. But I also love caustic wit – the capacityto know and see the darker shades of life. Together, they’re the perfect combo.

The world needs ‘positive energy’ and can-do types with faith that things can and often do ‘work out for the best’. And there are significant positives to being positive.

Advantages of being realistically positive

Research has found that optimists tend to live longer,¹ healthier² lives, and even have better ‘luck’ because they keep trying for longer and see possibilities where gloomier types just see problems.³ And some optimists can ‘spread’ their positivity to inspire others.

But we need balance, because nothing is so good that too much of it can’t be toxic.

We’re often encouraged to drink water because of its undisputed hydrating health benefits. But of course, too much of it can be deadly: when people drink excessive amounts of water they can develop hyponatraemia, a life-threatening drop in the body’s sodium levels.

So no matter how wonderful something is in the right amount, we would do well to remember that too much will, sooner or later, come back to bite us.

When it comes to positivity – as with everything else – there is a universal requirement that it come into play at the right time, in the right situation, with the right people.

Assuming more is always better negates the importance of proportion and the rule of diminishing returns, in which not only does more not always mean better, it can even start to mean much, much worse.

One pill may cure your headache, but a thousand isn’t a thousand times better.

Okay, I’ve now over-made my point! On to ‘toxic positivity’…

The deadly side of positivity

It’s often stated that positive types tend to live longer – I just asserted that myself! – but other research has found that being overly optimistic about the future may leave us less likely to be here long term than our more saturnine friends.⁴

Okay, I only found one study showing that, as opposed to the reams of research showing the opposite… but there certainly can be a case against being too positive about, say, our health.

‘Positive thinking’ might lead you to believe that you can drive safely after 12 tequila sunsets, that smoking is good for you, that “I’ll be fine!” strolling at midnight in the dodgiest parts of town, or that investing in the guy at the bar’s Moroccan camel breeding business (as I was once tempted to do) is bound to make you rich!

I’m reminded horribly of the man who tried to fly from the Eiffel Tower in 1912 with his homemade ‘parachute suit’. What an optimist, what a positive thinker! And what a sorry mess.

But there are other, more insidious dangers of ‘toxic positivity’.

FREE Reframing Book! Just subscribe to my therapy techniques newsletter below.

Download my book on reframing, "New Ways of Seeing", when you subscribe for free email updates

Click to subscribe free now

Toxic positivity is the belief that no matter how dire or difficult a situation is, people should maintain a positive mindset. It’s the proverbial “look on the bright side” taken to an extreme, where acknowledging any negative feelings is discouraged or outright ignored. This mindset often manifests in clichés like “Everything happens for a reason” or “Just stay positive.”

Of course, such platitudes are not in and of themselves toxic, and often they can help. Reassuring people that “you can do this” can certainly be encouraging. Reminding people of their strengths, of how, perhaps, they’ve overcome adversity before and can do so again, can be valuable. In fact, it can be a wonderful thing to do for someone. But as with everything, it’s a question of at what time, to what extent, and in what way.

Grinning and making unsolicited suggestions to “think positive” to some poor guy lying under the wheels of a juggernaut is clearly too much, too soon, and not [insert expletive here] helpful.

Invalidation, denial, and pressure

Toxic positivity is essentially the overgeneralization of a happy, optimistic state to any and every situation, leading to the dismissal, invalidation, or suppression of authentic emotional experiences.

While positivity can be a powerful tool for resilience and mental wellbeing, its toxic counterpart can do more harm than good. Let’s take a closer look at why toxic positivity is dangerous and how we can foster a more balanced approach to emotions.

Reaching rock bottom

Sometimes things really are crap.

Pretending that they aren’t, refusing to accept the state of things or the dangers or disadvantages of a situation, can, paradoxically, produce negative outcomes. Sometimes when we reach rock bottom, we need to accept and understand we’ve reached rock bottom before we can work our way back again to a genuinely more positive state.

Being buried underground is one thing, refusing to acknowledge that you are means you either never start digging or delay it until it’s too late… if you’ll forgive my rather claustrophobic metaphor!

Other harmful effects of toxic positivity

• Invalidation of emotions: When people are told to stay positive in the face of adversity, it can invalidate their real and painful emotions. This dismissal can make people feel misunderstood, isolated, and reluctant to share their feelings in the future.
• Increased stress and anxiety: If people feel the need to suppress negative emotions rather than deal with them in a healthy way, this can cause stress and anxiety and exacerbate mental health issues. It may even produce a state of cognitive dissonance if someone denies even to themselves that there are problems.
• Hindered emotional growth: Emotions, both positive and negative, play a crucial role in personal growth. Experiencing and processing difficult emotions can lead to greater self-awareness and emotional resilience. Toxic positivity can stunt this growth by not allowing people to fully engage with their emotional spectrum.
• Damage to relationships: When someone constantly pushes positivity on others, it can strain relationships. Friends and family members might feel unsupported or unheard, leading to weakened connections and trust issues.
• Perpetuation of shame: People who are unable to maintain a positive outlook when they feel they should might feel ashamed or guilty. This self-criticism can exacerbate feelings of inadequacy and depression, creating a vicious cycle of negative emotions masked by a forced positive facade.

Okay, but what can we do about toxic positivity?

Recognizing and addressing toxic positivity

In some ways our modern culture promotes a sense of toxic positivity. In commercials people always seem to be upbeat, amused or amusing, ecstatic or successful. Folk often show only their most positive moments in social media posts, creating an impossible standard that can lead people to feel they and their lives lack something others seem to have.

Feeling like a failure for not ‘being positive’ can add to the burden. People can feel pressured to ‘be positive’ and feel there must be something wrong with them when they can’t be.

Identifying toxic positivity is the first step towards combating it. Here are some signs to watch for and ways to promote a healthier emotional environment:

• Acknowledge all emotions: Recognize that it’s okay to feel sad, angry, or frustrated. These emotions are natural and part of the human experience. Encouraging people to express their feelings without judgement fosters a supportive environment and helps us better understand our emotions and ourselves. There are proven benefits to being able to name your feelings.⁵
• Validate others’ feelings: Instead of offering unsolicited advice or platitudes, we can listen empathetically. Phrases like “I understand that you’re going through a tough time” or “It’s natural to feel this way” can be much more supportive. This doesn’t, of course, mean that the person can never change their emotional responses. But now may not be the time.
• Encourage authenticity: Promote a culture of authenticity where people feel safe to express their true emotions. This can lead to more genuine connections and a better understanding of one another’s experiences.
• Balance positivity with reality: While maintaining a positive outlook can be (sometimes hugely) beneficial, it’s important to balance it with a realistic perspective. Acknowledge challenges and setbacks as part of life’s journey rather than brushing them aside.
• Practise compassionate self-talk: Encourage self-compassion and understanding. Allow yourself and others the grace to experience a range of emotions without the pressure to always be positive.

Toxic positivity, while often well-intentioned, can lead to significant emotional harm by invalidating genuine feelings and experiences. People with low self-esteem, for example, tend to feel worse after being encouraged to use positive self-affirmations.⁶

We know that being too positive with or about our more negatively biased clients and those with low self-esteem can break rapport and leave them feeling misunderstood, or even mistrustful of us. Heaping praise on a self-hater can backfire big time. We need to be subtle and sensitive when helping to change any ‘toxic’ or self-harming mindset.

Yin and yang

Undue negativity, cynicism, hopelessness, and negative thinking biases are certainly ‘toxic’, but that doesn’t mean the opposite isn’t also true. Hollow positivity is still hollow. As with all things, it’s a case of balance. We can help ourselves and others find real reasons to feel and act more positively rather than just throwing around positive clichés.

You can never be wrong to feel something. It’s just what you are actually feeling. This doesn’t mean that you can’t start to feel differently at some point, but acceptance has to come first.

By fostering a culture that values emotional authenticity and resilience, we create a more supportive and understanding environment. Embracing the full spectrum of human emotions allows for deeper connections, greater personal growth, and ultimately, a healthier approach to life’s inevitable ups and downs.

Just as a good meal needs different, counterbalancing flavours, so too life needs the right proportions of sweet and sour, negative and positive. Yin and yang, if you will.

I’ve baked my philosophy into Uncommon Psychotherapy

You’ve probably heard about UPTV but did you realize there’s a whole course in there along with the huge library of therapy videos? I created Uncommon Psychotherapy to help practitioners cut through the noise and complication of modern therapeutic theory and get back to what it really means to be human so we can all help our clients as effectively as possible. Read more about UPTV here.

FREE Reframing Book! Just subscribe to my therapy techniques newsletter below.

Download my book on reframing, "New Ways of Seeing", when you subscribe for free email updates

Click to subscribe free now

About Mark Tyrrell

Psychology is my passion. I've been a psychotherapist trainer since 1998, specializing in brief, solution focused approaches. I now teach practitioners all over the world via our online courses.

You can get my book FREE when you subscribe to my therapy techniques newsletter. Click here to subscribe free now.

You can also get my articles on YouTube, find me on Instagram, Amazon, Twitter, and Facebook.

Notes: