A strong sense of self as separate from others may not come naturally.
“Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.”
– Oscar Wilde, De Profundis (letter written from gaol)
Who am I?
Some people never seem troubled by such questions. Others are wracked by them.
One young client told me plaintively that he felt like an alien visiting Earth – “always on the outside looking in.”
Personal identity is our inner sense of who we are. It comes from our unique mix of experiences, values, and personality traits, which shape how we think, act, and relate to the world.
Identity is essentially our answer to the questions “Who am I? What am I in this world? How can I fit in and be identified by myself and others?”
But why do we want a clear identity, anyway?
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Identity and belonging
Even as young children, once we develop so-called ‘theory of mind‘ – not actually a theory but an intuitive grasp of the idea that other people are different to us, with their own ideas, perspectives, fears, and desires – we can become preoccupied with developing our own sense of identity both in relation to others and also as distinct from them.
Identity is the way we feel we are identified, seen by others, and also seen by ourselves.
Where do I fit in to all this? How do I seem to others? What’s my status? Where is my true home?
This search for identity can lead us along many paths.
Ready-made identities
This need to belong to some tribe, be defined in some way, may go into hyperdrive during adolescence.
Traditionally the young person might create their identity by ‘rebelling’, ironically often in quite a conformist way! They may join a recognizable group. Their identity then becomes being a member of said type.
Teddy boys, goths, punks, nerds, mods, rockers, new romantics – and, I’m sure, groups I’m far too old to know about – have all fulfilled this purpose. When we wear the ‘uniform’ of a ready-made group, we find a ‘holding place’ identity. For some, political views may fill this role.
But most of us move on eventually as we enter adulthood. The punk with a safety pin through the nostril might eventually exchange that ‘uniform’ for a suit and tie, and so the world revolves.
Of course, things often travel to their logical conclusion.
Anyone can be anything
More recently, sexual or gender identity have been the means by which some young people seek to both define themselves and be defined by others. Some young people have been encouraged to identify as animals, clouds, and other non-human entities. So it’s all gotten a lot broader.
While in bygone years, believing yourself to be a cloud, a cat, or a 12-year-old girl when previously you were widely considered to be a 40-year-old man or an acorn may have precipitated a stay in a psychiatric hospital, currently such self-identifications are, for some children and young adults, tolerated, accepted, or even encouraged.
Some of this will be genuine dysmorphia, some will be social contagion. It may need time to disentangle the two.
In the 70s a parent may have been openly derisive, disappointed, or worried if their teenage son grew his hair long, wore flared trousers, and listened to the kind of ‘noise’ that was anathema to the World War II generation.
In fact, in many Western cultures, not accepting the reality of someone’s stated identity is somewhat taboo. In some countries, visits from the police, doxing, and internet mobbing might result if we openly refuse to accept what people think and say about their identity.
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My truth, your truth, everybody’s truth
Part of this new openness to identity derives from the idea that all truth is arbitrary; all ‘truth is in the eye of the beholder’ and there is in fact no objective truth – other than, presumably, the truth that there is no objective truth!
It is not acceptable not to accept.
So not being free to be oneself and to choose an identity, even one that may be non-human, isn’t such an issue as it once was, say, back in the buckled-down 50s.
The pendulum swings from one extreme to another.
And yet this new norm to accept and encourage all and every identity, to a point that would have seemed literally insane to earlier generations, doesn’t seem to be making young people happier.1
And it does seem that some people struggle with identity more than others.
Who struggles with identity the most?
Children (and adults) on the autistic spectrum may struggle with identity more than most because of a struggle to understand others. Without a strong understanding of people in general, it can be hard to understand ourselves in particular.
A strong sense of self as separate from others may not come naturally.
Those with a more rules-bound psychology might choose jobs in which identity is automatically and clearly conferred and defined.
They may join the police, armed forces, or clergy, and wear a uniform which clearly marks them out as having this or that identity and status. At last, they have a clearly defined self – or at least a self that is recognizable to others.
Of course, that’s not to say that everyone who enters these professions does so because of identity issues, just that some people might.
People with borderline personality disorder may also suffer with an impaired sense of identity. They may on occasion feel themselves to ‘not exist’, to ‘be nothing’.
So those on the autistic spectrum or with borderline personality disorder and many teenagers may all struggle with forming a coherent sense of identity. They may seek an identity that is socially acceptable, a category that has of course broadened immensely in Western nations in recent years.
But do these holding-place identities really fulfill those who adopt them?
Lots of identities, but do any really fit?
It can be easy to ‘borrow’ an identity from a pre-formed smorgasbord of options. But that identity, once adopted, may not really satisfy us for long, as it was, after all, created by someone else. It’s something we can seem to be, but it may start to feel empty after a while.
After all, a ‘punk rocker’ is simply a type. Where is the individuality? The uniqueness? The person behind the label?
Which leads us to the fundamental question.
Who am I?
Inscribed on the Temple of Apollo at Delphi in Greece is the legend Know Thyself! And indeed, we do need to know ourselves. To understand what we think, what we want, how we ‘work’ and, even, if we grow wise, what we might need.
Living in the wrong marriage, working in the wrong job, and not meeting our fundamental emotional needs in balance can also corrode our sense of who we really are because we are not living the right life for us.
For some, as they grow older, a sense of identity can grow stronger and more definite. Such people become truly confident, and may seem to have what others call ‘presence’.
If you feel secure in your sense of who you are, then it will not matter so much if others see you in the same light as you see yourself. A strong sense of personal identity makes us more immune to the way others see us. If they ‘get us wrong’ we care less.
When someone asks, “Who am I?” it’s more than just a passing thought. It’s a deep call for clarity, a need to understand where they fit in the world.
Whether your client is navigating adolescence, the autistic spectrum, borderline personality disorder, a sense of having been born into the wrong body or species, or even just being stuck in the wrong job, a confused identity can make everyday life feel overwhelming.
We as practitioners need to be open minded, not too quick to assign some identity to a client or even to too readily ‘affirm’ some identity if they are not sure about it above and beyond the affirmations of those around them – which could, after all, simply be social pressure.
Gentle exploration is what is needed. Socratic questioning can be very useful with our identity-confused clients, in which we simply ask them to ponder questions calmly and from different perspectives.
But here are three more specific, straightforward strategies to help your client discover who they truly are.
Strategy one: Discover core values
At the heart of a solid identity lie your core values. These are the beliefs that drive decisions and actions. When clients know what they truly value, they can filter out external noise and make choices that resonate with their inner truth.
If you know what you are really about, what you value, whether it’s kindness, clear and independent thinking, hard work and personal responsibility, or decency and honesty, then remembering and reflecting on those core values regularly can help you resist blind groupthink.
- Reflect on peak moments: Ask your client to think back on times when they felt most alive or proud. What values were at play? Can you discuss those values with them? Bring them out?
- Journaling: Encourage your client to have regular writing sessions where they list what matters most to them. One client, Josh, felt that since he’d gone to college he’d ‘lost himself’. Regular journaling as to what was important to him actually helped him start to live those values more day to day, with the result that his self-esteem began to rise, along with his self-confidence.
- Mindful exploration: Practices like guided meditation or even hypnotherapy can help peel away layers of societal expectations to reveal deep-seated values. You could help your client hypnotically recall times in which they were living their values – not as ideas but as realities.
Strategy two: Break free from musterbation and shouldmania
A social pressure not to be yourself, which can be internalized, is the idea that you should or must be a certain way, or like everyone else.
“Musterbation” and “shouldmania” are the habits of forcing ourselves into roles dictated by such external standards. These internal pressures often lead clients to adopt identities that feel borrowed and ultimately unfulfilling.
Of course, we all need to conform to some external expectations. Me shouting and screaming at your wedding ceremony may be ‘me doing me’, but it wouldn’t be great for you! But too much conforming can lead to a diminishment, a squeezing out of a sense of unique self.
So how can we tackle this common trap?
- Challenge self-talk: Train your client to notice when they say, “I should…” or “I must…” and replace these with choices: “I choose to…”
- Self-compassion: Teach them to treat themselves with the kindness they would offer a friend.
- Reframe expectations: Help your client question whether their current goals, roles, and even ideas are genuinely theirs or just the result of external pressures, groupthink, and a desperate need to change what’s wrong in their lives without first looking at other options.
Ultimately many of the more superficial roles we adopt in life are temporary. They may seem to define us for a while, but are roles we can move on from.
Strategy three: Build an authentic, evolving identity
As I’ve mentioned, many people adopt identities from a ready-made menu of options, whether it’s a trendy social group or a respected profession. While these labels can provide comfort, they may also leave your client feeling empty if they don’t align with who they are at their core. When they grow out of that label, it might start to feel constrictive.
- Explore different facets: Encourage creative exercises such as storytelling, art, or role-playing. These methods let your client experiment with parts of themselves that may have been overlooked. I asked one client to write a story of his ideal future. He was to let his “imagination run wild!” He related that doing this had let him view himself in a much “bigger way”.
- Embrace fluidity: Remind your client that identity isn’t fixed. It evolves over time. Embracing change can lead to a richer, more authentic self. When clients self-restrict they may use phrases such as “I’m not the type of person who could…” or “I could never…” We can help such clients develop a growth mindset.
- Practical tools: Consider worksheets like “Who Am I?” which can help map out different aspects of identity and highlight inconsistencies between adopted roles and personal truths.
Helping a client navigate an identity crisis is about more than finding a label – it’s about crafting a life that feels genuine from the inside out. Not one that simply mimics what everyone else is doing.
By focusing on core values, challenging the demands of ‘should’, and building an authentic identity, you empower your client to step out from the shadows of borrowed roles.
Remember, identity isn’t static. It’s a journey of self-discovery, full of twists and turns. With clear guidance and honest exploration, your client can learn not only who they are but also who they’re meant to become.
Loosen Up Rigid Beliefs Fast
As Mark Twain said, “It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”
It’s all very well diagnosing the problem, but shaking up a firmly held belief can be tricky.
That’s where artful reframing comes in. The ability to introduce doubt to a damaging belief indirectly is a wonderfully effective therapeutic tool. And Mark has made a study of the art of reframing, including writing a book on the topic.
You can also train with Mark online in his course Conversational Reframing.
FREE Reframing Book! Just subscribe to my therapy techniques newsletter below.
Download my book on reframing, "New Ways of Seeing", when you subscribe for free email updates
About Mark Tyrrell
Psychology is my passion. I've been a psychotherapist trainer since 1998, specializing in brief, solution focused approaches. I now teach practitioners all over the world via our online courses.
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Notes:
- Dykxhoorn, J., Osborn, D., Walters, K., Kirkbride, J., Gnani, S., & Lazzarino, A. (2023). Temporal patterns in the recorded annual incidence of common mental disorders over two decades in the United Kingdom: A primary care cohort study. Psychological Medicine, 54(4), 663–674.
