Enjoying success is a lot more difficult than many people realize.
“It’s just so much dust, dear boy…”
~ James Bond creator Ian Fleming, when asked what it’s like to be successful
Yes, this sounds like a real ‘first world problem’.
Talking about that empty feeling some folks get when their success train finally pulls in at the station seems downright disrespectful to the millions who are starving, dodging death daily, or for whom a simple drink of clean water would mean a beautiful day.
But we have to deal with the problems inherent in our own situation in life.
And we all know that people can become clinically depressed once (and sometimes especially when) all their basic needs for water, food, and shelter are met.
So that’s why I decided to share in this blog 3 psychotherapy tips I use when my clients are in this situation. Because it’s worth considering that…
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Our dreams might lead to disappointment
We are all encouraged to ‘follow our dreams’, but… what if you don’t like it when you get there?
Part of our job as therapists is to help remove obstacles to happy living in our clients. While those who come to us remain locked in trauma, haunted by depression, or tyrannized by addiction, they are captive to ‘third world problems’ even if, outwardly, they live first world lives.
Once we help them overcome their emotional blocks, they may then need our help to construct pathways to success.
It’s at this point that very careful aim at the target is required. And I say that for one really good reason.
The hollow centre of success
Every day in the gossip columns and the drone-like buzz of social media, we witness the fallout from the unhappiness of multitudes of millionaire malcontents. Many of these, at one time, had expected all (or at least most) of their problems to vanish once their dreams had come true.
We suspect they are somehow ‘doing success’ in the wrong way and that, just as youth is wasted on the young, wealth is wasted on the rich (who seem wasted themselves much of the time).
Countless people are shocked to find that ‘living the dream’ feels weirdly like climbing inside a fantastically decorated funhouse at the fair and discovering it’s hollow inside, even as everyone still on the outside clamours to come in and join them.
They had chased down their goals on the unquestioned assumption that once those ambitions were realized, everything in their life would become wonderful in all ways for all time.
So they became millionaires, won their gold medal, sold truck loads of their invention, or got their novel to the top of the bestseller lists and yes, it felt fantastic… for a while.
Success does not equal happiness
But being rich, recognized by strangers in the street, or respected by society was somehow not all it was cracked up to be. The guarantee of lifetime happiness that they had subconsciously taken for granted would automatically accompany their success just didn’t materialize. Or if it did, it wasn’t sustainable.
And get this: many successful people report feeling happier in the days when they were still struggling for their success than after they’d actually reached it.
What’s more, for some with a conscience, that festering creeping malcontent guilt starts to whisper: “But this is what you wanted… how can you complain, babies starve, people are out of work, what are you moaning about…?”
Why do so many people find it difficult to enjoy success? And how can we change that?
Tip 1: Distinguish between dreams and goals
When you have asked someone the miracle question or have helped them overcome their problems and they are now free to thrive, not just survive, you are only just starting.
Cynthia told me she’d always wanted to open an antique store.
“Dream or scheme?” I asked.
She laughed. Then sighed. “Dream… at the moment…”
It was a dream because she had not taken the trouble to work out any steps toward this goal. We worked together to turn her dream into a scheme.
Ask your clients to distinguish between their dreams and schemes. Dreams only come true if you turn them into schemes.
But what about the reality of accomplishing their schemes?
Tip 2: Ask what daily life will be like when their dream is realized
To have expectations, we also have to have assumptions about the future – and those assumptions often lie hidden, unexamined.
Ask your clients to describe in detail what they imagine life will be like, minute to minute, day to day, once they have married their dream partner, got the income they want, or landed a deal to write that bestseller.
You might say something like:
“Really think about that future life now. You have achieved that goal you’ve been dreaming about for so long. What have you been imagining life would be like, every day, once these goals had been realized?”
Had they been assuming they’d have no more problems of any kind in life? That they’d never be bored again? Never feel anxious about anything again? Never be lonely? Never have health problems?
It comes as a real blow to some people to discover that, even when they have achieved their dreams, they are still troubled by some aspects of life.
Talk to your clients about this, and…
Tip 3: Factor in the all-round, sustainable life
Money and materialism don’t necessarily make us happier or healthier over and above a certain point. And that point isn’t that high.
So, predicating success on any single factor when, as human beings, we still have other needs – such as to be stretched and challenged – is shortsighted. If your client’s (massively important) need for meaning was met through working toward their success goal, how is that still vital need going to be met once they’ve become successful?
When helping your clients devise strategies, factor in all the Primal Human Needs.
The truth is, we all have a variety of physical and emotional needs that can only be properly met from different parts of life. For example, beyond the obvious needs for food, water, and shelter, everyone in the world has deep-seated needs for:
- Attention – both to give and receive it
- A feeling of safety and security in our lives
- A sense of control over our lives
- Intimacy with at least one other human being
- Fun and creativity to make life enjoyable
- Challenge and development so we can avoid boredom
- Connection to a wider community
- Some privacy and time to think our own thoughts
- A sense of status, with a recognizable and appreciated role in life
- A sense of competence and achievement to keep our self esteem healthy
- And we do need to feel that life is truly meaningful, so we have a real purpose to our days.
I train people to meet their needs in lots of different ways. This means they can avoid ‘putting all their eggs in one basket’ – be that finding the perfect partner, landing the dream job, or making millions.
Enjoy success as a journey, not a destination
Therapists (I hope) understand these needs, but many people still don’t. If you become ‘successful’, some of these needs may be met for a while, but many won’t automatically be met just because you’ve reached a successful point in life. Life continues.
You might have a huge house in the country, a swimming pool, and a fancy car, but unless you feel that your life has meaning, that you are being creatively challenged, that you are connected to the community, and so on, you will continue to struggle to feel really happy and may feel a bewildered disappointment with your success.
Success isn’t a destination. It’s merely a by-product or, to mix metaphors, a way station on the journey of life (okay, I’m adding clichés to the blended metaphors now).
Rather than stopping at some fixed and final success point, we need to take in its views and beauty, enjoy it, and keep moving on for a truly satisfying and useful life.
The ‘done and dusted’ thinking that goes hand-in-hand with our success culture is an illusion you can help your clients see beyond.
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About Mark Tyrrell
Psychology is my passion. I've been a psychotherapist trainer since 1998, specializing in brief, solution focused approaches. I now teach practitioners all over the world via our online courses.
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